Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
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[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Need WebMD
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.