Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

[at the general store]

me: one general please

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure