My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
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For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.