my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Buck naked
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.