My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
You Might Also Like
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
🍂🕷️🍂
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.