Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

my dad when a sex scene comes on

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.