My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
incredible text to wake up to
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?