My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
He took my last fry, your honor
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
*seductively eats two tums*
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on