I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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If Bob The Builder’s slogan is “Can he fix it?” then he’s not really a builder is he? More of a repairman.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I saw a smart car get hit with a snow ball today, yep, it was totalled!
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask them questions.” – all children