Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.
“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.