@CruisinSoozan

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

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@spunkyturnip

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

@vineyille

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

@daddydoubts

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

@thenatewolf

The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.

“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.

@AdamBroud

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

@SketchesbyBoze

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

@alucardsdream

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

@VikeeysSecret

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

@Donna_McCoy

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.