@CruisinSoozan

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

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@sarabellab123

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

@IncrediblyRich

If Bob The Builder’s slogan is “Can he fix it?” then he’s not really a builder is he? More of a repairman.

@WilliamAder

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

@smithsara79

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

@JohnLyonTweets

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

@KalvinMacleod

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

@AbbyHasIssues

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@eliyudin

I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad

@Jay16282

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask them questions.” – all children