My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
twitter is a journey
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.