My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.