My birthstone is a sushi roll.
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[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.