My birthstone is a sushi roll.
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO