Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it