My birthstone is kidney
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Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Bringing back this classic
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.