My birthstone is kidney
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Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle