My birthstone is kidney
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@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
#math
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*