My birthstone is pecan pie.
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My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Des Moines Police having a normal one
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.