My birthstone is pecan pie.
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Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
one last job
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap