My birthstone is pecan pie.
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[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My love language is hissing.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Happy birthday to all the women
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family