My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
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Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
The first one, obviously
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing