My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
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I created you as mosquito food.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Phones down.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET