cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
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I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.