Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

good morning

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

u guys got any snacks onboard here

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.