My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
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[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Tuesday
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!