My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
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I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec