Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

me at the job i begged god for

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

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