Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.