Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

decorating my apartment

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

Saw online –