My blood type is b hungry.
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers