My blood type is b hungry.
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The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
i’m sure it’s fine
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.