My blood type is coffee.
You Might Also Like
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
mentally somewhere in italy
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.