My blood type is coffee.
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills