My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
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We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way