My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
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Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I’ve been lied to my entire life
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised