Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.

Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

This is not me but this is me

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.