My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
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Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
*offers Batman cough drops*
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
two people or more is called a problem
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’