My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
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Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*