My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
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[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Strange
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count