Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

😂🍻

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.