Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Möther may I have a snäck

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

Just grow your own