My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
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Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
how was your vacation
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live