My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.