Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

Finally, an explanation.

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.