My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
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Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Everyone’s family
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
very niche meme I made
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
