My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

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My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog


Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.


1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.


[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing


[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.


My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she’s sad. She’s an expert in sighcology.


Just thinking about that time in high school where they told us that, if we see a menacing person approaching, the best self defense is to act like a goddamn lunatic cuz no one wants to mess with a crazy person


– Dad, why don’t we visit Greece to see pyramids?
– Son, why don’t we visit school to see your geography teacher?


FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg