@UnFitz

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

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@VitaeArcanum

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

@JohnielDan

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

@FranksGrapjes

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

@joejwest

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

@Darlainky

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

@omgthatspunny

My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she’s sad. She’s an expert in sighcology.

@writeden

Just thinking about that time in high school where they told us that, if we see a menacing person approaching, the best self defense is to act like a goddamn lunatic cuz no one wants to mess with a crazy person

@leshnevsky

– Dad, why don’t we visit Greece to see pyramids?
– Son, why don’t we visit school to see your geography teacher?

@Brampersandon_

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg