My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
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Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*