my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
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So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed