my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
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Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”