Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

No Google it does not

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.