Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP