My body is a temple
for potatoes.
You Might Also Like
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I’m giving up for Lent.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”