My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
You Might Also Like
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
sailors wish they could swear like me
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
incredible book dedication
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas