Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

roses are red
i fall when i skate

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.