My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
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When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.