Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

is the plural of judas judasses or judi