My body is a “wonder what happened” land
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I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX