My body is a “wonder what happened” land
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A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁