My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
You Might Also Like
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.