Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called