Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.