My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
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Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?