My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
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[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*