Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier