My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Isn’t
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car