My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
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“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
drew a comic about my origin story
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.