My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
You Might Also Like
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
accurate
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.