My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
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my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”