My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
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Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
She might be a genius
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
english majors be like furthermore
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.