My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
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about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
☠️
Wolves should really raise more people.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.