My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
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I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
shampoo implies shampee
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
s
oc
i
a
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Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
All right then, keep your secrets
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”