Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

Me trying to reach for my goals

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

Always the camel, never the toe.