My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm