Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

He took my last fry, your honor

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby