My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
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me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
tell em, edith-anne
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.