Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property