Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*