My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
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Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Do not steal food from the science building!
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”