Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

Aight bet

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions