Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

i meant to share this earlier

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Very good news from my accountant

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda