Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

NASA has no chill

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

my dad when a sex scene comes on

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

She puts the hot in psychotic

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.