my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
You Might Also Like
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Anyone want a chair?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”