Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

I will never stop laughing at this

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again