My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
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“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.