Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

This line from Airplane.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

So, can we agree on 4 or

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.